My Love Story

Please note that this is not a detailed account. There's way more love in the real story.

I used to see her almost every 6 months, and till today it surprises me that I would remember her each time I saw her. We would have a minimal exchange of salams, and perhaps a how are you, and walk off. That was how we used to meet for some 3 years. Then, at the beginning of 2006, I didn't know how fast my life would change, and how beautiful that change would be. I began to see her every week. At first, it was the usual exchanges. Then it turned into wider smiles, and many weeks later, peels and peels of laughter.
It was still quite early to discover my love. What was it about her? To be honest, I still don't know. There were others around us, and we were a tight group. We had no choice- we were in the same car on both days of the weekend, and that too twice.
The discovery happened one day, when we were faced with a challenge. Out in the suburbs, we were stuck in a cold building, with no immediate rescue. In front of her, I could not but be brave. I decided to run as far as I could, or at least to the end of the road, and get a French Vanilla for her from Tim Hortons. Ah, to my delight, she decided to accompany me.
What could be more beautiful than that? The weather, unlike in the cold building, was nice outside. We jogged, ran, walked, and then did a little bit of all three together. I didn't want the moment to end, but Tim Hortons was not too far.
With our drinks in our hands, we had a grim look on our faces on how we'd get back. I wasn't too grim, I was just happy I could gaze into her bright eyes, through her glasses.
...
That day changed everything. We began to talk a lot. Then I had to leave in May, and the separation was painful. I wanted to make it special, so I decided to surprise her with my all-time favourite drink, at my all-time favourite tea joint Bubble Tea 168, a few hours before I had to be at the airport. I knew I was returning soon and that was a great relief. Every day of my vacation, I would update her about what I was upto. I was half way across the globe from her, in a different timezone, yet, our love adjusted to any virtual adaptations required. It was great. When I got back, we just grew closer and closer to each other.
I never thought the day that is today, was so near.

She was in tears towards the end of last year when I was @ the airport for the second time that year, at the departure terminal. Both of us didn't know when we'd see each other again. And then the most amazing thing happened. I talked to her more than anyone else in the world. We were connected as if were in the same room. Hours daily, on MSN, Google Talk, Vonage, emails on top of emails, and in so many other ways. We were so attached that it would be too painful to go without knowing where she was every 6 hours. Have you ever heard of a love like that?

Alhamdulillah Allah (swt) facilitated our meeting in the summer again. I tried to see her as often as I could. We would make the silliest excuses. Luckily I was staying close to her workplace. She got me an aircard, so I had the internet with me wherever I went- At the Toronto airport on my way to Ottawa, and back, in the cabs to the hotel, in my hotel room, and even on the stage when I was sitting next to the speakers! She was such an angel, that despite her feelings for me she let me cancel a night's plan with her because someone else asked her for it. One of our funniest meetings was on a day when something important happened with both of us- I had passed my fitness instructor's practical test and was officially certified, and she had her wisdom tooth removed. We took pictures that day- and I don't drool over them considering the fact that her face was swollen and I was in my fitness clothes. Yea, not the best shot, but she's always beautiful.
She never left my side...

A few months ago, there was a minor hiccup- Access to instant messaging programs on her blackberry was blocked. So what? There are so many other ways. This world can do whatever it wants to there's no separating us.
That is, until today.
Today I'm so happy for her. It's what she calls, "sweet pain". I just don't know if the pain is sweet, or if the sweet is painful. But even that doesn't matter. She's embarking on to the phase of her life that I always knew would come, sooner than later. And I knew that phase would be without me. But to be honest, me not being there does not matter to me. Because I know she'll remain in my heart forever, and me in her heart.
There's much happiness to come, she just doesn't know. She might think it's a separation, but to me, it's just a new kind of bond.
We've never run out of things to talk- ever. And now, there will be newer things to talk about!
I just want to say two things:
One, remember the hadith: 'The whole world is a provision, and the best object of the benefit of the world is the pious woman'
and
I love you.

Across the border

There were so many of us who were crossing the border, every day. I was waiting for my turn, and I knew it would come soon. There was no food to eat in my land, no jobs. I hated the government for doing this to us. There was no fuel for buses. The government couldn't afford to give us legal papers. The stores shelves were empty. Price hikes everywhere, I had to leave soon. The government had failed us, and it was time to leave.

My mother was so old, it was breaking my heart to make her cross the border into South Africa from Zimbabwe, but I couldn't leave her. She was always strong in front of me, and I would cry each night. I was leaving my 2-year old daughter behind. But I had hopes, good hopes, for a better life across the border, where many of my people were going. Of course there were dangers afterwards, of being deported, but nothing is going to stop me from trying, especially when I paid this man everything I had to take us there. He, would save us.

And so that day came.

Maghi had told us the dangers of crossing-wading through crocodile infested Limpopo river, cutting through razor wire, and walking across the bush land for hours. But I knew it would be over soon, and even if they sent me back, I'll try again, and again.

Maghi had also warned us about two immediate concerns- border guards on patrol and Goma Goma bandits looking for easy targets. But he said soldiers have rarely been seen on patrol. I wasn't afraid of the Goma Gomas because they wouldn't rob me, I had nothing to give anyone. Most people cross it in 2 days, but sometimes it can take longer.

As we journeyed across, I met many women like me. Some of them were pregnant, some carrying babies, even newborn. I couldn't imagine pregnant women jumping over fences. Some of them talked about how this is their 3rd or 4th attempt. I derived a lot of energy from them, all of us, with the same fate. Which one of us would survive this ordeal? I knew deep down the challenges wont be over even if we did cross the border safely. I thought about how I was being "smuggled" across the border, almost left without a citizenship, no identity to my name, ... and whose fault was this? The government. How easy for them to make decisions, and we have to suffer.
The route was long and there was no looking back.

Mustapha

My friend and I were @ the foot of Jabel Hafeet, a beautifully lit green hill, in the middle of an oasis. Maghrib fell, and we heard the azan, and walked towards the masjid, but we were too far from it. My friend and I decided to pray out in the open on the grass. We walked to a cafeteria nearby to ask for the direction of the Qiblah. I noticed there was someone already praying inside the cafeteria, and there was a collection of prayer mats. I asked the guy for it in Arabic, and he was nice enough to take the mats, go out of the cafeteria and spread them out for us. We prayed, it was beautiful, with the vast expanse of green sand in front of us. We went back into the shop. I returned the mats to him, and he told us to pray for him. My friend and I without thinking said "inshallah", instead of making a dua for him. I guess it happens when you don't speak the language.
In that moment, I felt horrible for not being sincere to what I was saying. He was sincerely asking us to pray for him, he really wanted us to, perhaps because he didn't see a lot of people performing salah, that it was something disappearing slowly from around him, and when he did meet such people, he thought it to be a very precious experience...
"My name is Mustapha. Make dua for me using my name."

Asking someone to make dua for you is routine, whether it's in person, over the phone, at the airport or your MSN nickname. But just as asking is important, so is making that dua. And, what dua do we make for someone we don't know much about?
- To give them the best in this world, and the best in the hereafter, and to save them from the hellfire.

The Dance

I just couldn't wait. There was still so much time, but I had already started planning for the dinner. The dinner was going to be attended by the who's who in town, and of course, I was going to be one of them. And what made me even more special was.. I was travelling from very far to attend it, and many were expecting me. I was looking forward to meeting the old faces, and some new ones too.
Everything just had to be perfect. Today, I wasn't just an attendee- I had earned a respectable status, and I had to live up to him.
The biggest question was... whom would I go with? The person standing next to me should be someone who'd make a statement just by the way he walked, and posed and conversed. He should have a flashing smile, and a sense of importance reflecting in all directions around him. Tall and handsome, more from inside, than out. And he's the one who would be by my side. Just for fun, really.
This was tough, very tough. I sifted through the names of my friends... none of them seemed to be that good! If I asked them to accompany me, they would... but I had to think carefully about which one who make the impression I wanted. And of course, with the two of us together at the dinner, it just had to be a blinding light.
I had a little friend who really missed me a lot, and he held me in high regard..so I asked him casually if he'd like to go with me, and he jumped at the opportunity. That was rather an impulsive decision of mine, but perhaps I could consult a friend and ask her what to do.
Which I did, and she asked me.. "why does it have to be a guy??"
"Well..... because it's very far, and I'll need a ride... and if I'm gonna get a ride, it's most likely gonna be a guy... so if it's a guy, why not get a good guy!"
It definitely sounded hilarious. She gave me a couple of names. But really, this is absurd. I can't go with someone I don't know well enough. He just wont act right. And I didn't want to be with one person all evening, because I had many people to meet, and many conversations to make, so I wouldn't want to hurt my friend.
"Listen, I can come...let me mark my calendar".
"Are you serious? If you're coming, I don't need a guy! But all you girls are busy with something or the other; or you're not interested in the dinner, that's why I didn't ask".
Then a few days later I thought about it. I had decided the dress I was going to get tailored, and the colours too. But I had to make sure the guy I was going with wouldn't wear something that wouldn't contrast well. How would I ask him what he was going to wear? He'd think I'm making a big deal of the dinner. Hmm... I had seen him wear only two suits. A black, and a brown. What other choices do guys have anyway? Grey and blue. Perfect. All these colours would go with my beige evening dress, I just had to make sure he wouldn't wear a shirt that's coloured purple or green!
I loved my little friend, even though I never used to see him a lot, but he was always full of humour and debate. I call him little because he was younger than me, and acted like a kid all the time. But he wasn't tall. Would that be a problem? He didn't fit the description I was craving.. so I went through my MSN lists, and my emails, and also facebook. A few names popped up, but no...
It was just depressing. My glamourous idea was just going down the drain. Well, it seems as if I was just going to have go with my backup.
...
The little friend was ecstatic about her coming to visit after so long. It had been years, and she had no idea how he spent the time. He'd think of her stuck in traffic, at work, and definitely when trying to learn the Qur'an. In the last few years, he didn't realise how much he wanted to be close to her, as he collected information about her discretely. He wanted to know everything about her- her past, her deepest secrets, her desires and her future. He just didn't know why. The reality was, it had been so long, her picture was not in his mind; only what he felt about her, in his heart. And that was a big problem. She didn't have him in her heart, and he didn't have her in his mind. And the matters of the heart and mind can be very misleading. In short, he wanted to grow up, and marry her. And he felt very positive, since she asked him to accompany her to the dinner. After all these years. Why else would she ask?
Too bad there was no dance at the dinner, he thought. It's true that wont be halal, but...it could be halal if only the woman and her mehram were allowed to dance....
And his regular, unnecessary thoughts trailed off.
...
So, what's going to happen at the dinner? We'll find out July 2007.

Jheel

I learnt about Jheel everything a person could, when they're travelling together. and our journey wasn't some ordinary journey: It was the highest spiritual quest possible. When I first met her, I could see through her veil, and I thought to myself she's so young! But she wasn't, she had been married 14 years.

In the many days we spent together, she did everything she could for me. She would wash my clothes, make tea for me, let me borrow anything of hers I needed, advise me, ask me if I'm okay, and just wouldn't stop talking! Out in the streets, she stressed that I should spend with ease, for the reward is double because we were in sacred lands, and her phone conversations would be either about donating 200 Qur'ans to a masjid, or about some other form of charity.
The most beloved people to me are the ones who give freely in charity.
She never cringed when she had to pay exorbant fare to the cab drivers. She was always smiling, always happy. I would often think.. Subhanallah, if only people would give away money the way Jheel did. That's why Allah has blessed her with so much.
She had no children, but her husband and her had decided that was Allah's Will, and they will live for each other. And they were two remarkable companions.
Then we departed, and I didn't see her for 3 months. We decided to visit her when she returned from her travels. She had prepared a feast for us, and she was the same cheerful self. But I was shocked. Jheel's appartment was barely furnished. The kitchen and the washroom were the same size. She had lit candles for me, and presented a gift to my mother. Their furniture was old and unattractive. There were piles of paper stacked on the shelf above where I sat. With all of us, we seemed to have filled up the space in the entire appartment. I had believed that she was rich. And, she was rich, but she lived simple. She spent where she needed, and gave away the rest in the name of Allah, and her only purpose in life, was to gain knowledge and to serve her Lord.

Forces

I had a million thoughts come at me from every direction. And I've become a piece of an exhausted, burnt out engine. I just wanted to travel very far, on a spiritual journey. And so I did.
With every step I took in my journey, I wanted to forget a moment in the past. Yet, my Exhaustion was too great to even help me forget my memories.
It seemed as If I had too many realities in life. A virtual reality, that I lived by, day and night. A physical reality that made me eat, and sleep. And an emotional reality that made me do everything else. Yet, I was so lost in these "realities" that I'd look for signs and reasons in everything.
Just like the other day, when I caught something falling out of my hand. Why is it that, I can catch them some times, and not at others? Or, when I stare out through the glass in my house, and see the trees, yet, when I stared at the wall, I saw nothing?
My sense of perception was uprooting my fears. Fears of my own thoughts. Sometimes, I couldn't sleep at night, scared, that I'd close my eyes, and my world in the dark will start to haunt me. I wasn't just scared. I knew that was the reality. Another kind of reality.
Today my friend said she didn't know how she lived all those years without her baby. She was on the journey of motherhood. I was on the journey for something else.
And so I reached the shore of time. It was strange. This shore. I mean, it was strange, because the time was a shore. Instead of a road. A road would seem more likely, wouldn't it? After all time is one dimension. We can only lose it, never again it.
I looked at the shore. I was so crushed. I fell to my knees. I was so ashamed of myself. In so many months I didn’t ask My Lord for my needs. All I did was to praise my Lord, hoping that, he knows my desires, he will give me what I want. But nothing changed. I was so overcome, I wanted to cry. But my Exhaustion refused me. How strange that my Exhaustion and my brain don't go together. I thought about all the people I had trusted.
Today in my journey, I witnessed the shore of time. And wherever I looked, no matter how hard I focussed to find the events in my life, the deeds I had done, the people I had met, the places I had visited- I would get a vision, and a wave would almost immediately take it away. There was nothing. Perhaps a speck here... but it was gone.
Oh Lord... I know what You're trying to tell me.
I see nothing because I wasted my time. And the amount of time I wasted, is very vast compared to that which I used. I could collapse. In fact, I wanted to collapse. My Exhaustion told me that I worked very very hard. But the shore said otherwise.
I didn't want to see, I didn't want to hear. This is not the journey I wanted to make. I wanted to lighten my burden. But now my Exhaustion is making me crumble.
In a flash, the little energy I had that allowed me to move, I was in a different place. There was no shore. I rubbed my eyes, because I thought I couldn't see well. But there was some light. It would dim, and sometimes flicker. Sometimes, I'd see more than one light, and that would give me some happiness. But all the lights would flicker, and all the lights would fade. I was quiet. I wanted to see what happens. Somewhere in me, my Faith was talking to my Exhaustion, "Look. You could have been worse, had it not been for me. Sometimes you have to think, right? Where would you be without me, and Hope?”. Faith and Hope were my two stones. They were so strong, that they imparted strength in me, though they were very very far away. I would often have to think hard, before I got to them. Faith, Hope, and Love were a unifying force. But again, it was a very strange force. Love would always let me down. I almost distrusted it. But then Faith and Hope would tell me not to. I always knew my Faith was the strongest, and my Hope was the most confused. So sometimes, my Faith and Hope together would tell me something different, and I would understand something else. Yet, I had to believe in them. For, if I didn’t, what other choice did I have? I really liked the lights, I thought to myself. I wished they were brighter. I wished that they were all around me. I wished that they were a more beautiful colour. Yet, I was happy. These lights were my knowledge. And my knowledge made me happier than my time did.
It seemed as if my time was up. I had to find my next destination in my journey, and I used these lights as a guide. Eventually, in my million thoughts, I forgot about following the lights. I was too busy thinking that “these sure are very strange trees!”. The trees had the characteristics of trees I had seen that were tall, and only grew in forests- the same leaves, the same bark texture. How strange. I walked around them. Wow… they’re mostly stunted. I had grown wise through my journey. And this wisdom told me that which I didn’t want to believe. My wisdom said: “These are beautiful trees. They have fine leaves, and strong roots. Your deeds in this world were beautiful, and amongst the best. But, when you would start the deed, you would doubt yourself. You would mix your intentions. Your intentions are your most important asset, you forget that sometimes. Your Hope would confuse you. And you distrusted your Love. So, they didn’t grow. These trees…” I stopped listening to wisdom.
I was sad. I wanted to return home. I wanted to stare through the glass and at the wall, and I wanted to discover what made them different. I wanted to think about all the times I tried to catch a falling object, and I missed, and it broke.
My Exhaustion on the other hand, had enough. How could it, after seeing the shore, the lights, and the trees?

Baby

She decided to eat my shirt, the little red smiling flower with music wasn't quite to her taste. She simply tossed it away, and reached for the edge of my shirt. And now the corner is wet. All fed, with her new burst of energy she lift her legs to the sky in excitement, and put them down. Then again, now with her little tiny hands holding her little tiny feet, and again. Until she had her fill, and decided to roll over on her back, and make another attempt to crawl.
Not quite little one, you're only 5 months old. She looked at me, as if to tell me, "I can crawl before I learn to sit". And with graceful swimming strokes, she tried to crawl. She continued for quite some time, and once assured she had moved from her origin, (which she hadn't), she decided it was time to wail for milk again.
She refused to sleep, it had been all day. As if she'd miss something big happening around her, if she slept for even a moment. I whistled to her, soft and lightly. She laughed, very delighted, and satisfied.
I took her in my arms, and rocked her to sleep.

Water

Everything has become stagnant...now, I just wait for end of my time. I'll never forget a single one of those moments, when I learnt to dream because you led me on. You carried me through the winds. You faced all danger for me. You fought the world for every tear of mine, and then... you said, "time will heal all wounds". Then everything became bitter and you faded away into the mist so fast...
Today I'm stranded in the middle of the sea. My tomorrow and the day after are reflections of yesterday and the day before. And in the water around me, for as far as I can see, are ripples of my memories, which will always remain. My world and I are at polar ends, and this is how it's going to be. It will just be me, and only me. And my world made that decision for me, it wasn't me. This isn't what I wanted. But you left, and this is what I'll live with.

Hunger

Hunger would keep me up at nights. If it weren't my thoughts, it was hunger- I would feel an urge to go eat something, but wouldn't. And time would just pass.
I'm not sure if something's wrong with me. I'm not sure if I'm scared of food- too much food- although deep down I know that's what it is. Whenever I would eat, I could never eat my full. I would far too often remember our beloved Prophet (pbuh), his companions, and others and their description of hunger pangs. Abu Hurairah's reactions to hunger were often confused with seizures. But what was the point of staying hungry, if it didn't let me sleep?
Over time, I'd also get embarrassed when I would be asked to eat. It would make me think, "do these people feel I need more food? Do they think I'm a greedy person in need?"
I can't seem to explain this behaviour. When I look @ food, it's like looking at many many images captured in my mind- of skins and bones, but on real live children. Then I would commit the larger sin, and begin to eat. But no sooner than I started, I'd just stop. In fact, I always picked the smallest plate I could find, so that I wouldn't get a chance to put a lot of food in the first place. And I always ensured I drank water half an hour before eating so that it would fill me up nicely.
I don't feel the same way about drinking, then why do I, about eating? I don't feel any more pious than I did, then what am I achieving by staying up at night?
And the part that confuses me is that there's always lots of food around. I could eat all day if I wanted, and all night. I could ask for, and get every delicious thing. But... oh those children. What about my neighbour? I don't have to look to far. Or someone in my very own city. Why is food so important for our survival? But Allah provides, Allah provides...
Then, am I being arrogant?
Why am I so confused about this...
And I'm still hungry...
Soon it will be morning, and I'll have something to eat at breakfast...

The walk

We took a walk along the beach together, a slight chilly breeze, besides the crashing waves leaving our footprints behind us. Our laughter echoed in each other's voice. I playfully threw water at you, from my bottle, and made you wet and cold.
And that's the mistake for which I'll suffer... for long...
I turned back to look... and didn't see you, only indelible footprints in the sands of time.
Did you not even once think? How could you not hear the painful silent words?
But no, you just left me those footprints, to figure out how to erase them.

At the hospital

I had the feeling all day something was going to go wrong, and it did. I was supposed to take the bus, and then the subway home after the meeting. But as soon as evening fell, my thoughts began to make me feel nauseous and I started feeling fluctuations in my blood pressure levels. Everything seemed blurry. I couldn’t remember what I said, or whom I met. I just wanted to go home. And…I fainted in the subway. I don’t recall what happened, except that I was clutching my laptop for dear life. My eyes were closed, but I could hear sounds…
Just like the previous two times I had fainted. People were trying to lift me… some were shouting for the ambulance… some wondered if I was dead…. That seemed like a lot of people for that time of the night… It was close to 11pm.
I was very awake by the time I reached emergency. After a few hours, the doctors and nurses had a lot of questions. Of course it’s stress, what else can it be? I’ve a perfectly normal lifestyle, and I eat alright. I had found out that your gums swell up and bleed when you brush if you’re very stressed out, so why not a drop in your blood pressure cause the same thing? The reason was good enough for me to be discharged a few hours later.

Emotions

I spoke with her today. She made fun of the fact that I wanted to sleep for 17 minutes. What could I do? The phone had been ringing all morning, and I really wanted to sleep!
And my own misery was drowned by her excitedness. She was so happy... I could feel the glow on her face from across the miles. Wow... the feeling of being united with someone can really change your days and nights. I wonder what she was expecting? May her special prayers be accepted.
It was a quick conversation. She asked me about other updates- I had none. Same old.
Ah well, you must be busy? Well said. I am!
Alright, catch you later!

In the Interlude

It was one of those cold, windy, rainy nights in the city, and she was walking along a dark road. A lost soul, questioning herself uncontrollably on destiny's games, completely unaware of the rain drops trickling down her cheeks, and soaking her clothes. It was her tears that blended with the darkness around her, causing cracks in her already low confidence, like cracks in an old wall...
But she had no answers. And the rain continued to pelt her. Many moments later, her legs gave way, and she collapsed along the sidewalk.
None of the passerbys noticed this silhoutte against the backdrop, lying lifeless, fighting with the desires of herself and the reality.
In this world, who stops for a stranger anyways?

I finished serving my duty at the hospital, and was looking forward to going home to rest. It had been a tiring day, dealing with the family of the deceased baby, and all I really needed was some time to reflect on what went wrong. The thought of the mother giving up her child began to haunt me, and I didn't realise I had wandered off in the wrong direction, until I saw a figure, barely noticeable in the bad weather.
"A young mother?" I thought to myself... "perhaps not. Just a homeless person." But it was one of those moments where your instincts fire up, and mine definitely did.
I quietly walked upto her, and sat by her side. I noticed the laces of her shoes were undone and were mixed with mud. "Did she trip?".

"Hi... are you alright?" A simple silence, that seemed almost deafening against the beating rain. I placed my umbrella next to me. "Listen... it's getting cold. It's not safe either. You need to go indoors. Did you hurt yourself? Are you tired? Should I call a cab?"
She finally shifted, turned around and faced me. "Oh Lord...what a sad face.." In that brief instant, I saw her inside, on her face. Every single emotion she was feeling was painted by the streaking tears on her face, a face not much older than mine.
"Can you help me? Can you answer my questions?", she asked.
"Uh...I can try. But first, let's get warm."
I escorted her to a nearby shade, and the blasting heat from sewers below warmed us up in no time.
"They took everything away from me... I lost everything in hours. Everything that I had worked hard and saved up in so many years...", she began.
"Why did it have to be me? I don't have an address to my name anymore. In a matter of hours I ended up on the street. My worst fear, in all these years just came true... how am I going to live?"
I realised she was a victim of some fraud. I couldn't do much to help her. She was scared, lost, and confused. I had to get home. It had been such a long time, and I have an early day tomorrow. She'll find a way. Something, someone should be able to help her. The city offers lots of programs.

"You know what- I don't know what happened with you, and why. But all I can say is...you'll be fine. In this life, you don't need a whole lot to survive, and sometimes, you learn that the hard way. But once you learn it, everything falls into place. Just don't hesitate to ask for help. Good night!"
And I walked away.

A Special Bond

His face was always smiling, and that smile would emanate a special illuminating light, that I'd notice everytime I saw him. I know he's been struggling for a very long time now, fighting to accept the reality, yes it's true- I am leaving for a long time without a plan of return. The first time he heard it, his silence made me realise how shocked he was. I felt sad. I'll be leaving everything and everyone behind. He made me feel as if he wants me to stay more than anyone else. And he repeated that, sincerely, over and over again. 'Please stay...It will never be the same without you.'
And today he called and said, 'perhaps you don't realise, I love you a lot. You might think it's a joke, but it's true.' I said don't make me cry.
'Is this brother of yours deserving of your time? Can we meet once before you leave? Somewhere...special, where I can cherish and remember our memories until you return?'
Under my breath, I quietly said, 'but I will not return...'

It's all over

I woke up with a throbbing headache. What happened last night? Wait.. it's still not morning yet. Have I slept at all? I realised... I hadn't. And suddenly, I had a memory flash. My heart was pounding, and I could feel as if there was a thunder around me, inside me, about me.. What's going on? Oh Lord... all these memories... My mind had captured each image of his, so vivid, I could make out each curve on his face everytime he smiled, or frowned, or showed concern. I could hear him speak, sometimes his words mixed with laughter, and at others, I could tell he was waving his hands in the air while talking. How perfect the match. I remembered each quiet moment we had, especially those when silence rippled across our hearts...
And I was in that state for a long time...

Late afternoon I got a call. 'Mateen... I've been missing you. I've had a very bad feeling about you for a day now, so I prayed 2 nawafil and called you. Tell me what's wrong?'
'Nothing Ma... Alhamdulillah, everything's fine. What could be wrong?'
'Do you think my heart's mistaken?'
'It's all over. I've shed tears, I can shed no more. And I'm leaving it all behind me.'
'It had to be done. This is a test. It's a test. You have to be firm and overcome yourself'.
'Truly, its nothing but a blessing. I'll come around, inshallah'.

Somehow, the day passed, and then Hiba called.
'Listen, it's been 3 weeks now, I was advised not to tell you, but I need to. He's out of my life now. Sometimes, I wake up crying. I have to be strong, but I have all these thoughts. I so wanted to tell you earlier, can't believe it's been so long, Mateen. Will I ever get the fulfillment I want?'
'Remember Hiba- If you feed your strength, it will grow, and eat up your fears. But if you feed your fears, it will become a monster and eat your strength and you with it. It's all over for me as well. Last week, I talked to him. His response to my first statement made me think- Oh Lord, he's talking just like Burj. Burj said the exact same words to you, didn't he?'
'Yes he did. For once in my life, I know how you feel. I wish I could do something for you.'
'I count your presence in my life as one of the biggest blessings Allah has granted me.'
'Mateen, I do too. Thanks for listening'.
'How are you doing?'
'How I'm doing without the person I could worship? Pretty good! You and I hold on to each other like the fibres of a rope. Nothing will separate us inshallah'

Companionship

The water of ablution was trailing down my face, as I hurried to join the congregation. I managed to squeeze into the second row, and the Imam said his takbir. I folded my arms, and said the dua...
I could hear the words of the sister next to me, she was loud.
I know her..
I met her a year ago...
And I lost my concentration thinking about her fate.
She narrated her brief story to my mother a year ago. She must be about 41 now, I thought to myself. She told my mother that she was single, and this shocked mummy. Of course, mummy had to ask her why, and she simply mentioned that she always sought a righteous man, but her parents never looked outside their
culture, and she never found anyone.
Wow... time flies! Forty years... and haven't found the right person? That's quite scary.
A few days ago, as we were all exiting the mosque after night prayers, she asked me which way I was headed. "I'm walking on Dundas", I responded. To which she said under her breath, her face turned away from me, 'I'm going home.. all by myself. No one's walking that way. Maybe one day I'll find someone to go with me'.
I could only make a silent prayer for her @ that point.

Soul on fire

Last night, I thought something really bad was going to happen. I just had that feeling.
Last night, I thought I was going to die.
It was cool in my room, temperature pleasant enough to sleep calmly, yet my heart was asunder. Something is just not right. I was all alone. And I was in bed, facing the wall.
Of course, it must be because of the kitchen window being open. The window opens up to a deserted raised platform between 2 buildings. No one walks there, but someone could. It was open, after all.
I started feeling very restless. And I started reading the shahadah over, and over again. How does one know if their time has come? My eyes started watering. Ya Rab... forgive me, forgive me. Please make this easy for me.
I'm so far from everyone else around me. How will anyone know soon enough? My life flashed before me like an image. Yes, it is time. Why else would all this be happening? Why else would I think of all this, why else would I feel this way?

When the inner voice speaks

She turned off the music on her laptop, and leaned back in her chair. It was a hot night as usual, but her mind was too distracted to be worried about the weather. Her conscience couldn't contain the sudden silence, and stepped out of her. Time for a challenge, it thought.
"Rihal, feels odd, doesn't it?"
"What does?"
"The turns that your life is taking."
My life isn't taking any turns. If anything, I'm hanging off a cliff."
"Yes, but you haven't assessed your situation deepy. Don't you see you've already fallen off the cliff?"
"Why do you say that? How do you know?"
"Let me tell you about this person you call your friend. Both of you went climbing up the cliff... started a risky adventure in hopes for lots of fun, and each other's company. Now, your friend thought it best to start the climb before you, so that he could clear footing as you climbed, and you followed obediently. As both of you gained height, you looked out for each other lesser, and lesser..."
"I followed because... it all seemed so perfect..."
"All that glitter is not gold Rihal."
"What happened next? How did I fall?"
"You lost your grip a few times, and each time, you'd try to grab your friend's foot. What else could you do? Each time he'd hold still until you were stable, but he didn't stop, because his vision's fixated on getting to the top... but cliffs are only meant to be falling off from."
"Go on..."
"You began to feel he couldn't always watch out for you, and this started a growing fear inside you, that you continued to feed. It's not his fault. After all, rock-climbing is a dangerous sport and losing confidence can be fatal, as it was, in your case. In the final slip, he had two options. To losen his rope and jump off the cliff in search for you, or... continue upwards. You know what you would have done if you were in his position. Once you fall off a cliff that high, chances of survival are very minimal. Was this worth risking his life for? He could speed up to catch up with the others much ahead of him, and find new companionship.
After that, you know what happened..."
And her conscience faded away. It hurt a lot. Just thinking about it. Remembering those moments. For Rihal, everything is lost. Her friend's only mistake was, that he climbed up first. And she had to suffer because of that decision. When it's too late, it's too late. You've been shattered like pieces of glass, crumbled like old doors and crushed like dried flowers.

Confession

'You cannot love a person unless you touch him', she whispered in my ear, 'so don't close your doors.' so much power in her few quiet words. Why is, what she said, right? Why can I not be right? I felt sincerity in her words, but I didn't need the sincerity. There's got to be a solution. My thoughts were drowned by the music in the background. 'We should go back', I said to her. She nodded, and we started walking back towards the people. Some people do have it alright, I thought. But of course, I feel that way because I don't know how much they struggled.

You can't be perfect, and you can't expect perfection. Yet, we dream so much about being perfect. My face turned into a grimace with a growing sickening feeling inside me. So this is how it feels to be stranded between the reality and...fantasy, I thought, We live in a world where we can't get up and do what we want. Life was never meant to work that way, that simple.

I noticed someone walking towards me. It was him. I didn't expect to see him here. My heart skipped a beat and my thoughts dissolved. 'Everything will be alright. If not now, very soon. Believe in your Faith, and every moment that leads up to it. 'How are you?', he asked me, with a very serious look on his face. 'Is something wrong?', I asked. 'No. It's good to see you. You look great.' he smiled.
'Thanks'. Thanks for making me feel priceless...as you always do. Here I go again. He just said 2 words. Maybe she was right... it's just me.

---

[...tbc]

Silence

He came running down the stairs and stormed into the kitchen. 'I've had enough. What is going on? Does anyone care about what she does?' His words seem directed at his mother. Her face turned into a grimace. She thought about all the times she tried to change her, talk to her, show her the light. All the times when she showed how much she was protecting her, that she needs to stop it, and get back to the right path, and now it's happening all over again. I watched quietly, not knowing what they were talking about.

His mother summoned her into the separate room. I'm sure her daughter was dreading the proceedings, but it had to be done. Time passed, I paced up and down. Finally, I was called for. To advice. To rectify. She unveiled everything that had been going on for many months. I was shocked. My disbelief was beyond control. I lost all words. And I felt defeated. Why did she never tell me? I thought to myself. Am I responsible for this? Should I forgive myself because I was away? How selfish. Very selfish.

For the rest of the days, the same thought haunted me over and over again. All I wanted to know, was, why didn't she ever tell me? Did I mean nothing? Every time she looked at her, her heart and mind urged her to ask, question, seek the answer to her painful question... but her lips would fail her.

And in the end, everything failed her, and she returned, with her un-asked question, still unanswered.