Wednesday, December 20, 2006


Hunger would keep me up at nights. If it weren't my thoughts, it was hunger- I would feel an urge to go eat something, but wouldn't. And time would just pass.
I'm not sure if something's wrong with me. I'm not sure if I'm scared of food- too much food- although deep down I know that's what it is. Whenever I would eat, I could never eat my full. I would far too often remember our beloved Prophet (pbuh), his companions, and others and their description of hunger pangs. Abu Hurairah's reactions to hunger were often confused with seizures. But what was the point of staying hungry, if it didn't let me sleep?
Over time, I'd also get embarrassed when I would be asked to eat. It would make me think, "do these people feel I need more food? Do they think I'm a greedy person in need?"
I can't seem to explain this behaviour. When I look @ food, it's like looking at many many images captured in my mind- of skins and bones, but on real live children. Then I would commit the larger sin, and begin to eat. But no sooner than I started, I'd just stop. In fact, I always picked the smallest plate I could find, so that I wouldn't get a chance to put a lot of food in the first place. And I always ensured I drank water half an hour before eating so that it would fill me up nicely.
I don't feel the same way about drinking, then why do I, about eating? I don't feel any more pious than I did, then what am I achieving by staying up at night?
And the part that confuses me is that there's always lots of food around. I could eat all day if I wanted, and all night. I could ask for, and get every delicious thing. But... oh those children. What about my neighbour? I don't have to look to far. Or someone in my very own city. Why is food so important for our survival? But Allah provides, Allah provides...

Then, am I being arrogant?
Why am I so confused about this...
And I'm still hungry...
Soon it will be morning, and I'll have something to eat at breakfast...

1 comment:

h_t said...

Soon it will be morning, and I'll have something to eat at breakfast

Edit....Soon it will be morning, [and i'll msg ht and tell her i'm hungry]