Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Forces

I had a million thoughts come at me from every direction. And I've become a piece of an exhausted, burnt out engine. I just wanted to travel very far, on a spiritual journey. And so I did.
With every step I took in my journey, I wanted to forget a moment in the past. Yet, my Exhaustion was too great to even help me forget my memories.
It seemed as If I had too many realities in life. A virtual reality, that I lived by, day and night. A physical reality that made me eat, and sleep. And an emotional reality that made me do everything else. Yet, I was so lost in these "realities" that I'd look for signs and reasons in everything.
Just like the other day, when I caught something falling out of my hand. Why is it that, I can catch them some times, and not at others? Or, when I stare out through the glass in my house, and see the trees, yet, when I stared at the wall, I saw nothing?
My sense of perception was uprooting my fears. Fears of my own thoughts. Sometimes, I couldn't sleep at night, scared, that I'd close my eyes, and my world in the dark will start to haunt me. I wasn't just scared. I knew that was the reality. Another kind of reality.
Today my friend said she didn't know how she lived all those years without her baby. She was on the journey of motherhood. I was on the journey for something else.
And so I reached the shore of time. It was strange. This shore. I mean, it was strange, because the time was a shore. Instead of a road. A road would seem more likely, wouldn't it? After all time is one dimension. We can only lose it, never again it.
I looked at the shore. I was so crushed. I fell to my knees. I was so ashamed of myself. In so many months I didn’t ask My Lord for my needs. All I did was to praise my Lord, hoping that, he knows my desires, he will give me what I want. But nothing changed. I was so overcome, I wanted to cry. But my Exhaustion refused me. How strange that my Exhaustion and my brain don't go together. I thought about all the people I had trusted.
Today in my journey, I witnessed the shore of time. And wherever I looked, no matter how hard I focussed to find the events in my life, the deeds I had done, the people I had met, the places I had visited- I would get a vision, and a wave would almost immediately take it away. There was nothing. Perhaps a speck here... but it was gone.
Oh Lord... I know what You're trying to tell me.
I see nothing because I wasted my time. And the amount of time I wasted, is very vast compared to that which I used. I could collapse. In fact, I wanted to collapse. My Exhaustion told me that I worked very very hard. But the shore said otherwise.
I didn't want to see, I didn't want to hear. This is not the journey I wanted to make. I wanted to lighten my burden. But now my Exhaustion is making me crumble.
In a flash, the little energy I had that allowed me to move, I was in a different place. There was no shore. I rubbed my eyes, because I thought I couldn't see well. But there was some light. It would dim, and sometimes flicker. Sometimes, I'd see more than one light, and that would give me some happiness. But all the lights would flicker, and all the lights would fade. I was quiet. I wanted to see what happens. Somewhere in me, my Faith was talking to my Exhaustion, "Look. You could have been worse, had it not been for me. Sometimes you have to think, right? Where would you be without me, and Hope?”. Faith and Hope were my two stones. They were so strong, that they imparted strength in me, though they were very very far away. I would often have to think hard, before I got to them. Faith, Hope, and Love were a unifying force. But again, it was a very strange force. Love would always let me down. I almost distrusted it. But then Faith and Hope would tell me not to. I always knew my Faith was the strongest, and my Hope was the most confused. So sometimes, my Faith and Hope together would tell me something different, and I would understand something else. Yet, I had to believe in them. For, if I didn’t, what other choice did I have? I really liked the lights, I thought to myself. I wished they were brighter. I wished that they were all around me. I wished that they were a more beautiful colour. Yet, I was happy. These lights were my knowledge. And my knowledge made me happier than my time did.
It seemed as if my time was up. I had to find my next destination in my journey, and I used these lights as a guide. Eventually, in my million thoughts, I forgot about following the lights. I was too busy thinking that “these sure are very strange trees!”. The trees had the characteristics of trees I had seen that were tall, and only grew in forests- the same leaves, the same bark texture. How strange. I walked around them. Wow… they’re mostly stunted. I had grown wise through my journey. And this wisdom told me that which I didn’t want to believe. My wisdom said: “These are beautiful trees. They have fine leaves, and strong roots. Your deeds in this world were beautiful, and amongst the best. But, when you would start the deed, you would doubt yourself. You would mix your intentions. Your intentions are your most important asset, you forget that sometimes. Your Hope would confuse you. And you distrusted your Love. So, they didn’t grow. These trees…” I stopped listening to wisdom.
I was sad. I wanted to return home. I wanted to stare through the glass and at the wall, and I wanted to discover what made them different. I wanted to think about all the times I tried to catch a falling object, and I missed, and it broke.
My Exhaustion on the other hand, had enough. How could it, after seeing the shore, the lights, and the trees?

1 comment:

Asma said...

Jazaki Allah khair for this beautiful post. And may Allah SWT continue to guide you. And may the shore, the trees and the lights always give you hope. And may you never despair in His mercy and love.