Living Islam

In life we all make so many choices. For a while now, including during my move back to UAE, I felt as if I was standing on a slippery surface with soap on my feet. In fact, ever since I got back, I stopped eating to the point where I'd always feel starved, but didn't have the energy or will to eat. I'd feel lightheaded all the time, almost next to fainting with anorexic-like symptoms, and it just seemed to stay like that.
Yesterday I got a big hit with a certain application of mine that got rejected- and I thought to myself, after all that's been going on, I really didn't need this. I came home with suppressed tears and collapsed @ mummy's knees. She constantly reminded me of Allah's wisdom, and Allah's decisions. My sister looked @ my face, and she said you can tell I've cried a lot as I had obvious dark tear marks on my face. That sounded pretty distressing as well.
Sometimes I feel I'd end up in the hospital any second, but that would cause a lot of stress and pain to my family, and that kept me hanging...somewhere.
These 2 major changes in my life has been an extremely humbling experience. The first one more so than the second. Part of my strength and belief is to never lose hope. In 22 years of my life, I have always believed that if you strongly want something in life, Allah (swt) will give it to you. To me, that's the way life worked. Everything that happened was proportional to the strength of your belief in it. And I still believe in that. Yesterday when my application was rejected, my eyes had filled with tears. My brother said: You have your whole life in front of you, try again later.
But that's the problem: The only reality of everyone's existance is death. And the thought that I'm 1/3rd of the way in a lifespan wasn't of much solace.
Believers are strong people- They are strong in their faith in Allah (swt), in the decisions they make, in the promises they make to themselves and others, and strong in their patience when they have to wait. A believer would sacrifice himself rather than wrong another person, his forsight and wisdom would always make him make the right choices.
Sometimes, it's so easy to say that all affairs rest with Allah (swt), after you have crossed all your limits. or to say, it will happen when Allah Wills- as women who put wearing the hijab aside would say. Yet, before all affairs are rested with Allah (swt), we have to perform our prayers, set our course, we need to fulfill rights and obligations, do our tasks...
And I also believe that whatever happens to us, is because of our own doing. If someone oversteps my authority, or is injust with me, or hates me, or likes me, or uses me, or an application of mine is rejected, or something worse, awful, terrible happens- It's because of something wrong I had done.
Just like how when Umar (ra) had sent a Muslim army to the huge land of Egypt, and they were under seige. Umar (ra) said to them it's because of their own doing- either the Muslims weren’t praying properly, or mistreating the prisoners, or their ibadah wasn’t complete [instead of complaining and blaming others].
I feel ever so grateful to people who have gone out of their way for me. Not my friends, or family, but people whom perhaps, I may never see again. Like my aunt's brother-in-law who helped my brother carry a 60kg box down the stairs of my appartment, or the TTC driver who realising that I wanted to get on board but was running towards the stop, stopped midway and opened his door to let me in, or the child who handed me something that fell, or the porter who helped me with my suitcases at the Abu Dhabi airport, or the person who sent me an email a few days ago telling me that he wished he could dream and do what I do, and so countless people who may have just smiled at me... every gesture of theirs reinforces my belief in myself, that I may not deserve it, for the person I am, but Allah (swt) elevates my status amongst who He wills.
One of the things I do is to make a special prayer for the person I'm visiting, especially if it's at their house- a prayer to keep them safe, and under Allah's mercy, and to be called as witness to their hospitality towards me.
Everytime Sayam signed in, I'd read his nick: Forgive and Forget, and force myself to think. Forgive, but shall never forget- Never forget those subtle moments, petty talks, good humour and concern. I sent a few of my friends an email asking them to take a few minutes, to forgive someone. We often think that we're such great human beings that we have the right to hold a grudge against someone even if they're wrong, but what if.... what if we get called on the Day of Judgement as those who are bankrupt?
Rasoolullah (pbuh) said:
"Do you know who the bankrupt is? The bankrupt from my nation is the one who appears on the Day of Resurrection having performed the prayers, fasted and paid the zakah, but had also abused that person, slandered that person, wrongfully taken the wealth of that person and spilled the blood of that person. These people will take from his good deeds. If his good deeds are thereby exhausted, he will be given their sins and then he will be thrown into the hell-fire".
I realised, everyone's good is not the same. We try to do good, and we face ethical choices. Someone else's good could be your bad. Well, that just means that a person trying to make things right for himself may make it wrong for others. They make it wrong for others because others may have done something, but have been misunderstood. But looking @ the bigger picture, it seems more right than wrong.
And part of our belief is... becoming stronger in the face of oppression, patient in the face of adversity, and grateful in the face of good.